OK, We Get It—You Wrote a Book

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya………….

Like oh-so-many great observations, this one came from that group of drunken slobs that I watch football with on Sundays. For a bunch of guys who can’t win a confidence pool or their fantasy team games, they sure do see the rest of the world in a pretty clear light. I think an advertisement for former Full House actress Jodie Sweetin to appear on yet another talk show finally set off one of the boys.

He went on a Dennis Miller type of rant about these pathetic celebs who had fame, fortune, and security and now have to tell us what a living hell their lives were. That’s where I got the title today. It’s a direct quote from his tirade. And I don’t disagree with a single word he said.

This woman is just the latest to dump her problems on us. The poor thing had a hit TV show, huge paychecks, fame, admiring male fans, and all the rest of the perks. But now we have to hear about how she was a down-and-out crystal meth addict. And we’re supposed to feel sorry for her. I heard her say on one blurb that she “felt like she had to out-party everyone in the room. Everyone at the party. She felt like she had to prove that she wasn’t the squeaky-clean good girl Stephanie Tanner.”

I can’t write that quote and re-read it without laughing my ass off. Give me a Goddamn break. I don’t have anything super-personal to attack the girl about. The TV show sucked, sure. But what scrapes my nerves is that these rich celebs…….almost like the NFL guys going to Afghanistan (see yesterday’s post)………just have to try and use another form of exploitation to make a buck because they can’t get another role on TV. And in these books they have to reveal the deepest, darkest secrets of their lives in a sad grab at sympathy. Secrets most of us don’t reveal about ourselves and for the most part, still get by just fine. But these bullshit artists try and tell us they’re giving their story in the hopes of helping someone in a similar situation.

None of us have had anything close to these people’s situations because we haven’t basked in wealth and the limelight before we fell to addiction or depression or whatever. Ninety percent of us haven’t had the chance to walk the yellow brick road. To go to elite detox places. To hire personal chefs and trainers to keep us fit and healthy. To relax and chill out in exotic locations when we need a break. But these fallen celebs think they’re one of us. Blue collar joes. Just like Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long think they’re grunts like the real military troops.

A couple months ago, it was Mackenzie Phillips sharing all her wonderful incest stories with us. We’d already grown tired of hearing about how hard she partied with her father and all the other rock stars that got decadent at her house. So she stepped it up a notch. Wrote a book (or another book? Hell, they get churned out so fast I can’t keep track). Now we can hear all about the love trysts and kinky hijinks she had with Dear Old Dad. Aren’t we lucky?

Let’s not forget our old friend Maureen McCormick from the Brady Bunch. That had to be almost a year or so by now that we got to be astonished by her drug and sex addictions. She was a coke whore and a whore in general, apparently. I’m astonished, aren’t you? She’s kind of a pig now. Can we get another book about her food addiction?

The buddy who was on the Dennis Miller rant about this stuff shared an anecdote. I don’t know if it’s all true or not—-I haven’t researched it. When I heard the news recently that Hulk Hogan almost killed himself……….I skipped the story. And I used to be a huge wrestling nut. But I just can’t take any more of these woe-is-me celebrities. But my buddy says that he heard Hogan was ready to do a self-inflicted gunshot and he got a telephone call at the precise moment from a friend, Muhammed Ali’s daughter Laila. And per Hogan, the intervention of the phone call saved his life.

You can imagine the vicious attacks on Laila Ali that soon followed from the rest of the guys on Sunday. They tore her to pieces for that intervention. If she’d only been five minutes later !

And why all the Hogan appearances with the near suicide sob story? Hell, he has a book that just came out. He’s gotta make some sales ! We don’t even need a book to know this guy’s story. He was the most popular wrestler of all time despite being one of the shittiest to ever climb in a ring. He had a chesty (read: plump) blonde wife who recently left him for a teenager. Or an adolescent. One of the two. He has a blonde daughter with very questionable talent being shoved down our throats  as a singer. She does have some admirers because she’s not as big as her mother yet. And then he has a goofball son who fucked his friend up bad in a car accident a la Leif Garrett.

Does that about cover it, Hulkster?

We get it. Y’all can’t land another TV gig so you wrote a book. You slept with daddy. You tried to kill yourself. You were (or are) a drug addict.

We get it. Now please stop. Nobody gives a rat’s ass. And we’ve heard most of your stories (like Hulk’s son Nick maiming his friend) in the news as you hurt us innocent civilians in your decadence crossfire.

Just leave us alone. I have better things to do.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get down to Borders and put in my advance order for the Andre Agassi tell-all. I can’t wait to hear all about his crystal meth use as a player and how good Brooke Shields was in the sack !!