Here’s an idea for a new sports channel

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya…………

As we’ve seen in some previous posts after a weekend of watching football with the boys, I often think one of us actually crapped out a good idea while watching the games.

I’ve had an idea here for many years. So it’s not a brand new brainstorm I just had this Sunday. But it is an idea that gets reinforced in my head each and every Sunday that I watch the games with my buddies. The way they watch the games just proves to me more and more the need for a real man’s sports channel. A true blue collar sports channel.

Really, it’s not even a sports channel. It would be more of a very unique ‘live feed’ for major sporting events. Perhaps it could take off and become a full-fledged sports channel broadcasting almost all of the games. And I’ll declare this…I had this idea long before satellite radio came along. Satellite radio allows broadcasters and their shows to be more open and uncensored. Just like Howard Stern’s show now has profanity and no limitations on language that they couldn’t say on commercial radio. I brought this idea up at least 12-15 years ago. But maybe satellite radio is where it might find its first home.

The idea is simply based on the fact that sports announcing is so sanitized and politically correct. The announcers are objective, use the cleanest language possible, and waffle on anything that calls for an opinion. None of the people I enjoy sporting events with has those traits. For one, 90% of the people I know talk like they did on The Sopranos. That’s what made most of the characters on the show and their daily lives/interactions believable. There are very few males I know who don’t toss in an F-bomb about every 8 words or so. And call a situation exactly as how they see it.

And they are not the most objective bunch of people who waffle every time an opinion is invited.

I want a sports announcing setup where there are a couple of real-life, meat & potatos, blue collar guys calling it exactly how they see it. No cleaned up PC bullshit. They can even drink throughout the telecast (like my boys do) allowing their observations to be even more brutally honest and (mostly) hilariously accurate as the game goes on. A la Harry Carey back in the day.

Real life:     “Manning completes it to Reggie Wayne for a pickup of 6 yards. A lot of fantasy owners have to be pleased with the production of Manning and Wayne today. These two grew so much together under the tutelage of former coach Tony Dungy and it really shows”.

The boys:   “There’s another fuckin’ completion to Wayne. Manning sucks ! The guy didn’t do shit last week and now that I’m playing the guy who owns him in my fantasy league, he’s kicking ass. I wish somebody would snap his fuckin’ leg. Yeah…they blossomed under the tutelage of Tony Dungy. By the way, how’s that son of his? Is he still blossoming under Tony Dungy’s guidance? Oh yeah, he’s fuckin’ dead.”

Even when a player is injured on the field, my boys are relentless.

Real life:    “We have a player down on the field. It looks like #48 for Washington…….LeRoy Rogers. It’s hard to tell if it’s his leg or his shoulder. He seems to be favoring both. We don’t want to speculate and unnecessarily worry his family. He’s had a great game to this point with that 1st quarter interception. Let’s hope he’s going to be OK.”

My boys #1:     “Is that #48 ?? I think it is !! SWEET !!!! That fuckin’ bastard picked off Favre back in the first half and fucked up that drive that would have put us ahead. Good—-I hope his leg is broke. (High fives around the room)…….How’d you like that? Pussy !! ”

My boys #2:    “Will somebody please get a wheelbarrow and get this piece of shit off the field so we can play some football. Jesus fuckin’ Christ !!  It’s been like 5 minutes now for a broken leg ! How long does it take? Get a shovel….scoop his sorry ass onto a stretcher, and let’s go already.”

My boys #1:     “I hear ya. Fuck him. I hope his kids are watching. How’s your daddy’s leg, huh? Apparently not too good ! “

And don’t think that me or my buddies are harsh or uncivilized. I can tell you this: all beers have a coaster underneath them. A few of us even went to college. Or junior college at least. That’s how civilized we are. But we all grew up watching the games with our fathers. That was how we all learned football. We share stories of going to games with our dads and some of the funny shit they used to say and do. So blame them.

I used to love watching games with my dad. It was the late ’70s and early 80s right before Mike Ditka restored the Chicago Bears pride. We had coaches like Jack Pardee and Neil Armstrong back then. And as a boy of 8 or 9, I used to love my dad’s reaction to things……

Real life:      “And it looks like the Bears are going to go for the field goal. Coach Armstrong feels better about getting the easy three points in this situation. It’s only 4th and inches and you have Walter Payton on your team. But Coach Armstrong looks like he’s going to be cautious here.”

My dad:       “Awwwwwwwww….shiittttt !!! That candy ass !! Give it to Payton ! We’re down by 5 points. We need a goddamn touchdown ! Give it to Sweetness (Payton) !! Aw, this coach is such a candy ass !”

That’s how I want my announcers to call the games today. Forget all the saccharine-sweet bullshit that we get from Joe Buck and Al Michaels. To listen to them, everyone is good. Everyone pulled themselves up by the bootstraps after a tough childhood. Every coach is a genius. All assistant coaches deserve to be head coaches. Blah, blah, blah.

If they’re all so damn good and hard-working, upstanding people, how come half of the NFL are rapists and murderers? Why are there so many dropped passes and stupid penalties? Children out of wedlock? Dog fighting rings? Unpaid child support?

We fully realize that these guys in the NFL are the most talented 1000 players on the planet. But enough of the endless ego-stroking and hyperbole that today’s announcers shove down our throats.

Call it like it is. When Ray Lewis makes a great tackle, tell the damn truth. Tell the audience that the runner pulled up like he thought Lewis was going to cut his throat from ear-to-ear. You know……like he did at that Super Bowl double homicide a few years back?

Just tell us the truth. Some players are good and some suck. Some coaches are smart and some are fuckin’ dumb asses. Or as my dear old dad would say……”Awwwww, what a candy ass ! “