New Feature: It’s The Asshole of the Month Award !

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya………..

The subtitle on this blog says, “Dude, these are the things that are scraping my nerves.”

A lot of people and things have been scraping my nerves lately. So I figured it was time to introduce a new feature. Actually, I’m stealing it from a very reputable magazine–Hustler. It was always my third favorite feature in the mag after the naked girls and the hilarious jokes they have in there. {Hustler jokes make Playboy’s jokes sound like little kids doing sorry “knock-knock” gags}. But I always loved Hustler’s Asshole of the Month Award. It used to be so freakin’ funny as they took some really deserving schmuck and tore him to shreds. That’s why I say Hustler is reputable. It’s hard to find a more blunt, honest look at prominent people and current events. Screw the New York Times and Newsweek.

The tough part of introducing this new segment to my own forum was deciding who this month’s asshole should be. There are just so many contenders. Let’s face it….Jon Gosselin of that whole Jon & Kate +8 nightmare (that just won’t go away) is always a contender. And for me personally, Bears coach Lovie Smith was in the running this month. His sleepy, forgiving outlook on the Bears lackluster play and numerous errors drives me nuts. I can’t see how he has ever motivated anyone in his entire life. Except to take a nap. Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are perennial favorites.

But for October 2009, I felt I just had to go with the bumbling, fumbling wanna-be scientist out in Colorado who used his young son to try and enhance his push for a reality TV series. Turns out he’s a real sphincter of a scientist.

Congratulations Richard Heene !! You’re our Asshole of the Month !!!

And a bigger pile of steaming fecal matter I am unaware of.

This dickhead apparently got the taste of celebrity when his family was on Wife Swap in the past year. And because he doesn’t seem to want to go back to some real work like the rest of the struggling country, he devised a scheme to land a reality show spotlighting his crap-ass scientific experiments. As I’ve mentioned before, I have nothing against schemes or a well-thought scam. But this bucket of butt gravy did one of the most heinous things a parent can do. He exploited his own son and used him as a pawn in one of the dumber hoaxes of recent years.

He purposely launched a laughable depiction of a hot-air type balloon that allegedly had duct tape helping to hold it together. Then he and his wife called emergency personnel claiming that their youngest son was on board the balloon. Emergency people responded and a day-long track & pursuit of the ballon ensued at great expense. In the end, the kid crawled out from his hiding place and ended the faux drama.

What this pud-knocker either didn’t think of, or is too fucking stupid to realize is that he shouldn’t have allowed the children to participate in the media blitz that followed. Instead of saying something like, “Falcon is scared and a little bewildered and we won’t be allowing any media to interview him or the other children. His mother and I will address all questions.”

But no. This veritable shit-for-brains paraded his whole family on to the Larry King Live show and expected a boy as young as 6 to hold up the wall of deceit under a barrage of questioning. And this guy is supposed to be a smart scientist? Hey genius—-if you’re so damn smart , how about teaching that wife of yours a bit more of proper English? Jesus Christ, on that 911 call she made, she sounded like the Vietnamese hooker in the movie Full Metal Jacket.   

“Ummmmm……Me love you long time. And my son is on space ship! Help us ! ”

It’s too bad the balloon wasn’t a bit bigger so that dear old dad himself could have boarded the thing and blew away like a fart in the breeze. Now we all have to smell the sickly stench of this bastard’s little game for weeks to come. Nancy Grace can milk this sort of thing for months. His alligator tears and (fake) voice cracking came easy to him because allegedly both he and his wife once pursued acting. Maybe they should go back to it.

He can make one of those cheap sex tapes that assholes like John Wayne Bobbit (he of the severed…and then re-attached penis that his crazy-ass wife lopped off) and Dustin Diamond (that jerkoff from Saved By The Bell) have done. And then get spit out the bottom of the porn industry—which is probably where he met his submissive little wife. Swirling around the bottom of the toilet bowl after her unsuccessful X-rated career. Now he is swirling on the bottom of the bowl right next to her. A perfect match.

The best thing to come out of the whole affair was that the young boy was safe and unharmed. Not too hard of a feat considering he was never really in any actual danger. I feel sorry for the kids. Some children live with their single mother. Others live in a broken home. These little boys have to live with a matching pair of turds.

There’s probably very little doubt that whatever poor woman on Wife Swap had to come and stay with this pile of dung likely returned to her own home and said,

“What an asshole ! ”  

She hit the nail on the head. Richard Henne……our Asshole of the Month !