George Carlin knew bullshit when he saw it

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya……….

I’m feeling a little bit on the ledge today. Why is it that whenever you seem to be working hardest toward your goals and really doing everything “right”, that is when you make the least progress and suffer the most setbacks? It’s times like that when shortcuts and cheating one’s way thru life seem the most attractive, ya know? It’s been like that the past few days.

I always loved George Carlin and his bits on bullshit. As he said, “bullshit is the glue that holds us together as a people. Where would we be as a nation without our safe, familiar American bullshit?”

In one of his later stand-up shows, he added on to his old routine to keep it fresh and relevant to what we deal with today. Just to remind you, here are a few of the things he saw as bullshit…..and I have to agree on every last one of ’em:

“the land of the free….the home of the brave”
“The American Dream”
“all men are equal”
“justice is blind”
“the press is free”
“your vote counts”
“business is honest”
“the good guys win”
“the police are on your side”  OR   “the police are your friend”
“you can grow up to be anything you want to be”
“everything is going to be just fine”    (AKA The American Okey-Doke ! )

George would go on to say that every single one of these statements is prove-ably untrue on one level or another but we believe them because they have been pounded into our skull since childhood.

Was this guy in touch with the true nature of the US or what? He’s one of my all-time heroes, really.

My parents always told me from a young age how important college was. They stressed how if I went to college, I would always be marketable and working. It was a first-class, stamped ticket to success and security. They said I want to always work with my mind……not my back. Make sure I go to college.

Unfortunately I bought into that bullshit and earned two bachelors degrees in four years—taking 15 credit hours per semester for four straight years while I also worked on the school newspaper, joined networking clubs, and held a part-time maintenance job on campus.

However, as I find myself out of work for the third time in thirteen years or so, I have to say I agree with Mr. Carlin more than my beloved parents. I’ve never been let go for tardiness or poor work. Never for a costly financial mistake. Nor non-attendance. Two places simply went out of business because the Sam’s Clubs and the Wal-Marts forever squashed the family stores in the US. At my last place of work, a manufacturing plant, China has taken the place of Wal-Mart. They are the new hammer that pounds US businesses into pulp. At another stop, a new owner bought the company and cleaned house of the able people working there to bring in his own cronies. Not seeing much of the success and security I was promised.

So at the moment, I find myself looking for work. And an ally at a successful placement agency has been working closely with me the past few months. Her latest client has an attractive position to fill but the candidate must have a college degree. No problem. The two degrees I earned were one of the easist pursuits of my life. Did it with my eyes closed. I could’ve earned a third one by the end of a fifth year in school. Collect the damn things like baseball cards.

Because of the required degree, my ally reached out to my alma mater for the first time to confirm my schooling……….and yesterday she was told they never heard of me. No degrees. No record. I’m a complete stranger to them. Bubkus.

Obviously I jumped on the case right away. I have a copy of my transcripts. I have a letter from my academic advisor from 1992 acknowledging my degree achievements. My parents have pictures of me in a blue gown from when my name was called and I walked on-stage to accept the dean’s handshake. In my first call to the Records Department, I gave her my social security number and she called my file right up. But couldn’t help me beyond that.

So then we moved on to the Graduate Office. They also pulled up my file right away. But can’t help me. They referred me to the School of Journalism where one of my degrees is from. And thus far, they can’t….or won’t help me.

This is why my kids will never, ever go to college. It’s part of the big, steaming pile of American bullshit. Pay $100,000 + for a certificate that is supposed to deem you more qualified than other job applicants. Somehow in my job experiences, the more higher education someone has, the more inept and incompetent they usually are. Ninety percent of the people I poll typically agree it is the same at their workplace. The grunts do 90% of the work in most companies. The college educated people are often the ones making the costly mistakes, deviating from SOP, no-showing meetings with clients, and driving the company into non-existence.

The most successful people I know don’t have college degrees. No bullshit. They’re carpenters and musicians and auto-body guys. They work plumbing and roofing and concrete. My brother never went to college and he has made more money than me since the day I got out of that college (that I allegedly never went to..).

I’m going to do my kids a huge favor and put their college money to better use. The bullshit goal we usually sell our kids is to go to college and get a good, high-paying job so that they can buy a house and raise a family.

I’m going to save like any other parent from my child’s birth. We’ll even call it a college fund to keep the bullshit alive. But then we will take the $150,000 we save up and help our son/daughter buy that house we talked about. Why wait until after four years are wasted at college? And then landing a first job and saving up a down payment, etc? They can even contribute four years worth of their own earning power from the ages 18-22 that they would otherwise be wasting on college.

And the kids will be just fine. I know more college degree holders out of work right now than high school (only) grads. By a huge margin. So there are no worries they will have a trade or work for a friend and somehow make ends meet. The idea that they can’t without precious college is Grade A bullshit.

I mean after all, what’s the other option? Spend 4 years or more of your life at an institution where most of the instructors don’t even speak English as a first language? Spending well over $100,000 in the process? Losing four years (or more) of earning potential in this short life we have? Studying and working your ass off—for nothing?

Just to be told you never attended the school and they never heard of you? Please.