Are you sure you know your neighbor that well?

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya………

On Sunday, I was given yet more inspiration from some of the football crowd for some interesting discussion. Don’t worry….it has nothing to do with football for the non-sports fans out there. But I do think I have to come up with a name for this collective group of guys who keep me humming with ideas. There’s typically about nine or ten of us there watching the games. Maybe I can call them the Neanderthal Nine?

My brother likes gin and tonics while watching the action. Maybe I can call it the Tanqueray Ten? 

But it was such a beautiful 64 degree day for a Sunday in early November that me and a few of the boys went out on the deck to have a few coldies and rub some of that sun on our faces. The rest of the group stayed inside and laughed at the Fox NFL crew in their camouflage outfits live from Afghanistan. I preferred the sun and the more stimulating conversation.

We were talking about some of the idiots that have already made waves this month like the convicted rapist serial killer who pulled the ol’ John Wayne Gacy act and crammed corpses into every nook and cranny of his house. Then there’s the prick at Fort Hood that went on the shooting rampage until hero policewoman Kimberly Munley took him down.

But one of the guys had a little variation on a statement I’ve made on this blog previously. I once wrote a piece on scams and hoaxes and proclaimed that if there is a way for man to make money on this Earth, he has figured it out (and tried it).

After discussing the twisted minds of the forementioned animals in the news, one of the boys said, “Ya know, no matter what situation or scene you can think of…..it’s going on somewhere in the world. And probably within this crazy-ass country.”

I agree with that statement to a 99% degree. I mean, sure someone can throw on enough stipulations so that it is just impossible for that wacky lifestyle to be taking place. For example, a guy who thinks he’s Tinkerbell from Peter Pan (possible)……who’s restoring a pirate ship in his garage so he can hunt down Captain Hook (possible he’s doing that)……..and is also the prominent TV newscaster in town with Tourette’s Syndrome. All at once. Probably not really happening anywhere.

But there are some wacky people living some wacky lifestyles in this country (and world). I’m not talking about a cultural thing, either.

I’m talking about the person who thinks that the chief 6 characters on Friends are actual, real people named Phoebe, Joey, and Monica hanging out at the Central Perk coffee house and weaving their way thru life and love. And they believe it with all their hearts and souls. They have plans to go to the Central Perk in the hopes of catching some of these people there ! Or the people that really think there is a crime family in power in New Jersey called the Sopranos. They’re afraid to go to Jersey in the event they run into Paulie Walnuts and piss him off.

They’re out there. Don’t think they aren’t.

There are sects out there who practice cannibilism daily. They subsist on human flesh and organs and probably commit murder in an effort to sustain the group’s food supply.

There’s people out there living the vampire life….especially with the recent trend in vampire books and movies. They have glass bottles in their refrigerator containing real human blood that they drink like Sunny D. And some of them are also committing murder to keep themselves in the juice.

I learned as a psychology student that at any given time in the United States, there is anywhere from 15-40 serial killers praying on people just like the dickhead drywalling and insullating his home with human beings. That’s almost one serial killer per state claiming victims at all times.

But it doesn’t end there. Those are some of the more tamer people who walk among us.

There’s the guys like the bastard that kidnapped Jaycee Lee Dugard and held her as a sex slave in a tent compound for twenty years. Or the one that snatched Elizabeth Smart from her own bedroom and kept her hostage in the nearby forest area.

There’s people that have their homes decorated from top to bottom—floor to ceiling—–with beer cans. Or Star Wars trading cards. Or Playboy covers. Or dollar bills. Or human skin.

There’s people out there that only speak in Vulcan from Star Trek. Or the Elfin language from Lord of the Rings.

There’s some nutballs that live their life like a movie script 24 hours a day. They see themselves as Marcus Aurelius from Gladiator and speak in the English-Roman way portrayed in the movie. They practice their swordsmanship. They worship little people-pieces like Russell Crowe did in the movie as homage to his family. They’ve gone out and gotten the tattoo of the Roman Legion. They believe they lost their wife and child to a tyrannical Ceasar.

Oh, they’re out there. Dont’ think they ain’t.

It doesn’t even have to be a dark and heinous lifestyle. There was just a dude on the SciFy channel who went grocery shopping and loaded his cart up to almost overflowing. And as he shopped, he memorized the bar codes of every item he selected. He rattled them off at the cash register as the cashier smacked her bubblegum and rang him up.

There’s some folks who adamantly believe it is 1863 and Lincoln is President. They wish for the end of the war so that the nation can unite as one again.

No matter what scenario you come up with in your head, it is going on somewhere in the country—or at least the world. Almost anything. You may think you have come up with something that is just too ludicrous for someone to be doing. But in most cases you’d be wrong.

I just read an article in the Chicago Sun Times about a guy who was sentenced to jail for having relations with a horse. That in itself is sick…..but not exactly a first. But this guy was going to jail because it was not the first time he had assaulted the same beast. He’s in love. He can’t stay away from the animal and stop himself from expressing his feelings.

And because the horse can’t exactly file a restraining order, thankfully they’re putting the Casanova wanna-be behind bars.

Oh, they’re out there all right. Watch your back, folks.