The celebrity bennies never end

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya…….

It’s not enough that all these celebrities that get shoved down our throat every day get paid all the money that we are oh-so aware of. We all know a Julia Roberts or a Brad Pitt or a Jim Carrey get $20 million a movie. Or that Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez get $18-24 million dollars a season. Or that Jay-Z or Beyonce make $15-25 million or more per year apiece. That’s not what bothers me at all.

And it doesn’t bother me either that they get these gift bags at all of those self-congratulatory award shows that happen what (?) 15-20 times per year. These bags are stuffed with blackberries and electronics and watches and perfumes and body lotions that would eat up a normal man’s yearly salary. And those gift bags are in addition to the VIP luxury lounge that was realistically portrayed on an episode of the Sopranos a few years back. Remember when Sir Ben Kingsley was invited to roam the room and select various jewelry and other expensive doo-dads because he was friggin’ Ben Kingsley? That sort of thing happens every single day; you can bet the ranch on that.

But that doesn’t bother me too much either.

I don’t even get too upset about the other fringe benefits that are kept even quieter. Like the trips these people can take on the corporate/team jet for free. Or that they get to simply take home their costumes and other props off the set for their own private collections. Or that whether it’s a team clubhouse, or the green room of a TV studio, or an on-location “corner-of-nowhere”….they have a food spread that would feed a third world nation. Or that talentless trash like Paris Hilton or Kevin Federline or even Cato Kaelin can secure “appearance fees” to show up at a party and tie one on for free.

None of that bullshit bothers me too much either.

What really scrapes my nerves is when these celebrities commit the crimes and walk away scot-free. This is what makes most of America believe that law enforcement is crooked and the judicial system is a bad joke. Which it sadly is. At least to law enforcement’s credit, they make the arrests. It is the court system, the judges, and the whole facade that is American justice that really makes me laugh my ass off. I see the Mel Gibsons and the Paris Hiltons and the Ray Lewis’ and the Bernie Madoffs get arrested. But even with the rock-solid “hush-hush” deal that law enforcement has with the courts to hold up the Blue Wall, even the police walk away disappointed in celebrity cases.

Ray Lewis can walk away from a crime in which he exited a limo and a person got his throat cut from ear-to-ear and died. With virtually not even a slap on the wrist. I remember when Allen Iverson was searching for his estranged wife and kicked down an apartment door with a knife tucked in his belt. He hardly received a spanking on that one. Even one of my beloved Chicago Bears–LB Lance Briggs wrecked his Lambourghini and left it on the side of the road and left the scene. Zilcho. How’s Robert Blake doing these days? Tanning beside his tear-dropped shaped pool?

If I, or any of my friends committed these crimes, we’d be playing a harmonica in the slammer. We have spent more nights in jail for driving offenses than all of the forementioned crimes added together.

Just recently another local hero of mine, Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks, was looking at felony charges for assaulting a NYC cab driver. As soon as I saw the headline on ESPN, I laughed my ass off as they indicated how many years Mr. Kane could possibly face if indicted and convicted. I told my roommate sitting next to me, “Every penny I own in this world that he comes out facing misdemeanors and gets a cake walk on that too.”

My roommate wouldn’t take the bet. He knows what a farce the judicial system is. Oh, and Mr. Kane is now only facing misdemeanor charges.  Again if that were me, I’d be facing multiple felony charges and my life would effectively be over.

And then there’s the all-time King. Your friend and mine, O.J. Simpson. The man who got away with murder (Ray Lewis anyone?).  At least in this case, some of the law boys got together and decided that whether he was littering or jay-walking or disturbing the peace….they were gonna get this SOB. And of course, being a murderous scumbag like he is, O.J. made  it easy on everyone. Yes, he’s in jail now. A celebrity was finally convicted. But the man should be on death row and never have had the chance to harass and assault the other people that earned him the penalty he finally got.

But the “rich-and-famous-walk” never ends. Didn’t Halle Berry hit a person in the crosswalk a few years back? Or was that Paula Abdul? Or Lindsay Lohan? Or Britney Spears? Who the hell knows. The only thing we do know is that almost all have gotten the DUI charges  or the reckless driving charges and they all get a walk. Me and my buddies get to wash cop cars to fulfill our 40 hours of community service. That’s on top of the fines and the supervision and reinstatement fees and everything else. Russell Crowe can assault people with phones and I get run up the flagpole if I do a rolling stop at a stop sign.

When I think long and hard about the whole thing, there’s only one group in the entire United States that gets more preferential treatment than celebs in the courtroom. And that’s the police themselves. Then the scam is truly on. O.J. Simpson may be one thing, but there’s a group that can literally get away with anything. The Blue Wall holds up nice and tight for them. Beat up 110lbs bartenders in neighborhood pubs (Chicago). Start brawls that involve 6-8 people at pool halls (again, Chicago). That’s why Drew Peterson (Bolingbrook, IL) will walk free in his wide publicized case. He has the perfect combination going for him. He’s half-cop and half-celebrity. With a pedigree like that, he’s got it made in the shade.