Asshole of the Month: December 2009

Dude, I’m tellin ya………..

I was tempted to forego selecting an Asshole of the Month for December and instead giving a huge honor to the overall 2009 Asshole of the Year. Really, that was just an idea to take the easy way out. I was finding the pickings somewhat slim this month.

Some would say that Tiger Woods would be a good candidate as one  ‘ho after another crawled out from underneath their rock and said they screwed him. But in the end, the man is guilty of two chief things. One, he is guilty of infidelity and betraying his family. And two, he smashed an SUV into a tree. That’s about it. Not much else there.

I’ll give you this………OK…he’s an asshole. A real shit slinger. But I don’t think he’s deserving of such a fine honor as my Asshole of the Month.

As he has been since September, Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith is a candidate. But this is more of a personal thing. I think the man is probably beloved outside of Chicago with his asinine play calling and his perpetually unprepared team. The Bears are the perfect tonic for a struggling team. So they love him. And the flatulence that escapes his mouth after every pathetic loss drives me nuts…….but he’s only an asshole in Chicago.

So I couldn’t go with him.

Finally, a real pimple on the ass of society presented himself in the final days. This month’s Saturday splatter is in a similar vein to last month’s anal conquistador. In November we had to deal with that shit stain Nidal Malik Hasan that shot up Ft. Hood in Texas. Now a month later we have a new turd burglar on the scene trying to wreak havoc. And we’re back to airplanes.

Ladies I gentlemen, may I present to you the winner of the Asshole of the Month for December 2009……….

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab  { UFA  }   !!!!!

The name not sound familiar? Just looks like the gobbledy gook on the eye chart at your optometrist’s office? This is the steaming pile of camel dung that tried to blow up the Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas Day. Yet another walking sphincter with three names that would score big points in a game of Scrabble. Because I refuse to keep typing his full name, we’ll refer to him as UFA from here on. I don’t want this butt bandit to actually claim a victim by giving me carpal tunnel with his endless, bullshit moniker.

And as long as we’re trimming names down to 3 letter acronyms, let’s not forget to mention the rectal rejects at the CIA. Apparently the terrorist’s own father went to them and expressed his grave concerns over his son’s disenchantment and growing extremist views. And then the report sat for weeks and was never disseminated to those who are supposed to be keeping their eyes out for these tools.

Once again, like Pearl Harbor and allegedly  the 9/11 attacks, a powerful government agency had advance information that if they acted upon it, they might have thwarted an enemy attack. Here we live in a country that throws more of its own citizens in jail than any other on the globe……and whenever we can stop an aggressive move by a foreign aggressor, we drop the ball. Our law enforcement and the general enforcers (like airport security) —-who are supposed to be protecting our safety—-are too busy locking us up over much more harmful things like meeting their New Years Eve DUI quotas, on-line gambling, on-line porn, and confiscating things like marijuana,  bongs, and fireworks.

But if you want to infiltrate our army and shoot up a camp, or crash a White House dinner party, or board a plane with an explosive device even after your very own blood reported you……….we grant you carte blanche. The CIA used to be one of the most feared bodies in the world. Even by the very citizens of the United States. Today, they are a perfect example of why the US is so vulnerable time after time.

I’m going on a cruise next year in which I will fly to Miami for departure. If I try to smuggle a few buds of pot on that plane, or even flip-flop my hair shampoo for some coconut rum, I’ll likely end up with a nightmare of legal hassles and possible jail time. I’d be detained and harassed until I ‘fessed up to the Kennedy assassination. But a Prickasaurus like UFA can get on-board an aircraft no problem and almost create a Christmas tragedy.

So this makes two terrorists in two months with six names between them. How many more of these anal assassins will we be exposed to?

It also goes to show that the hatred by these douche bags is so intense that our new, peaceful, open-arms administration is wasting their time. I don’t fault the administration for promoting peace, diplomacy, tolerance, understanding, and all of the other ideals that Obama stressed in his inauguration speech. I want those things too. Most everyone does. But we were told that it was the Bush administration that had fostered so much scorn against the US.

Well, it’s been just short of a full year with our new, more likable administration. The President is almost 25% done with his term. And obviously, these suicidal shit-for-brains hate us as much as ever. They’ll never stop.

So what we need to start doing is to stop locking up our own people over frivolous bullshit. Stop worrying so much about taking Big Brother pictures at intersections for lousy traffic violations, stop pouring so many resources into busting potheads and teen parties, stop chasing after bookies and poker rooms, stop going after manufacturers of pirate DVDs, ticket scalpers, etc etc.

You know….the people that currently overcrowd our jails, flood our system, and waste time & resources.

On behalf of America….pretty please……with the sugar on top…….start paying attention to the real dangerous people. Start with those people with three names or more that have a lot of  ‘ Abduls ‘ and ‘ Hasans ”  in ’em.

Call it profiling. Call it racism. Disagree with me. Whatever. 

But after all, it’s people like that who have won the last two Asshole of the Month awards.