Asshole of the Month February 2010

Dude, I’m tellin’ ya……..

Being a short month as it is, and with me usually taking weekends off, there was only a tad over three weeks for this month’s Asshole of the Month to present theirself.

And I found myself a little short on candidates to be honest. In the end, it came down to three contenders.

The first is the entire body of corn-infested stools that make up the US Senate. And we could probably throw the House in there too. This collective group of do-nothing windbags can’t seem to agree that the sky is blue or that grass is green. The country is swirling around the bowl of the toilet on its way down the hole and these shit-for-brains have to argue every little point to death. One thing they did do this month was haul in one of the other candidates for one of their laughable little grill sessions that never results in anything. Just like they did with Major League Baseball and they do with crooked bankers, executives and all the rest.

These shit bags in suits brought in a few of the chief officials from Toyota to explain the hijinks going on over there. The boys from Toyota were the other runners-up this month for our prestigious award. This high-and-mighty company that has made oodles of cash over the years has apparently been doing it by putting us into virtual death machines. While it’s nice to see an industry giant get their come-uppance, it’s not so great to have it happen at the expense of people’s lives. Especially a lot of American lives since we buy so many of their electric chairs on wheels. But the only reason these Japanese jaggoffs didn’t win the award this month is for what it took a great man like Jimmy Kimmel to point out.

The comedian observed that it was the first time an automaker actually went before Congress and didn’t ask for 10 billion dollars.

So based on that, they were off the hook. Instead, I awarded this month’s prestigious honor to a really deserving jackass. The king turd of the titanium, if you will…..

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the February 2010 Asshole of the Month………Tiger Woods !!

At first I defended this douche bag of the dog-leg  Par 4. I thought that he was being overscrutinized for a guy that hadn’t done anything but cheat on his wife and family. I felt it was their issue to deal with. I felt that the media didn’t need to be all over him the way they were.

But then I saw how this pompous prick evaded authorities looking to get a statement out of him. For days and days. And the laughingstock that is law enforcement in the US let him get away with it. The usual special treatment that a person of privilege gets in this country. Even a self-centered, smug, tool of a pro golfer. But he still wouldn’t go away.

Now ever since that night that his pretty little wife slapped his sorry ass around and he wrapped his SUV around the tree, we’ve been subjected to week after week of more raw sewage from this shit receptacle. First there was the parade of sluts that he slipped it to coming forward for their ten minutes of fame. Then there was the various sightings of his wife out without her wedding ring on or buying a house back in her homeland. She must have starting seeing her man for the scrotum cheese that he is.

Then we had to deal with the rumors that he checked in to a sex addiction clinic. And finally, the coup de gras…….his bullshit, fake-ass press conference of remorse where he once again tried to play the rest of us off as imbeciles. 

First, this nut sac made the thing “invite-only” and was adamant about who could come and hear his half-assed apology in person. Then he made it clear that there would be no questions afterward so that he couldn’t be called out on his horseshit actions and insincere speech. And then toward the end of his self-serving propaganda, he finally raised his voice and showed his only trace of emotion when admonishing the media for allegedly hounding his wife and kids. And for making up stories of how his petite wife kicked his weak ass.

Up to that point in his pre-prepared speech written by one of his spin doctors, he didn’t show the tiniest trace of legitimate regret or remorse for destroying his family. He read the words in a robotic way that sounded like a kid giving an oral report in biology class. Nobody I have spoken with bought his unfeeling stream of verbal piss in the very least. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the kids he let down. Or the game of golf that he brought a black cloud over. Or the sponsors that subsidized his perverted lifestyle for all these years.

This prick of the putting green has thought he is superior to the rest of us for years. He phrased it that he believed he deserved to enjoy the spoils of working so hard all of these years. That he was entitled. It is obvious from this pathetic pecker that he isn’t sorry about a damn thing except that he got caught. If he hadn’t, he’d still be sticking his 9 iron into every skanky whore’s sandtrap that he could.

Tiger isn’t sure when he will return to golf. I’m actually starting to wish that it will be sooner than later. I heard less about this gonad of the greens when he was actually on the course as compared to now. Of course when he does return, we’ll be subjected to the biggest media frenzy yet in this sad story. But after that, hopefully it dies back down to the level before his woman whupped his ass. I think I speak for most people when I say we’re sick of hearing about this unfaithful, annoying bastard.

Go knock some balls into the proper holes already, you sick freak. Or just retire altogether and go away completely.

You’re just a good golfer. Nothing else. You’re a terrible husband, a rotten father, and the truth is buddy……….you ain’t better than any of us.